Top 10 worst Christmas gifts
1. Blow up doll
2. Brick
3. Can opener
4. Cellulite cream
5. Diet book
6. Dustpan and broom
7. Fly swat
8. Padded coat hangers
9. Paint brush
10. Socks and jocks
Haha for all the stats click here. It's a funny read.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
The politically correct Christmas - what in the world?
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football; someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, even you.
So here is that gift, it's priced beyond worth.
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.
Free to distribute without changes as long as this notice remains intact.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football; someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, even you.
So here is that gift, it's priced beyond worth.
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.
Free to distribute without changes as long as this notice remains intact.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Christmas Safety :)
Make sure you take care this Christmas ok?
1) Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
2) Three people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
3) Five people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
4) Eight people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.
5) Eighteen people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
6) Nineteen people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
7) Thirty one people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8) Fifty eight people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
9) One hundred and one people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
10) One hundred and forty two people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
11) Five hundred and forty three people were taken to specialists in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
1) Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
2) Three people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
3) Five people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
4) Eight people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.
5) Eighteen people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
6) Nineteen people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
7) Thirty one people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8) Fifty eight people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
9) One hundred and one people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
10) One hundred and forty two people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
11) Five hundred and forty three people were taken to specialists in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Dumb and Dumber
It's become an annual winter tale: A young boy gets his tongue stuck to a metal pole, perhaps as the result of a dare.
This year, the scene straight out of the movie A Christmas Story unfolded on Tuesday morning in Boise with a boy of about 10.
Boise firefighters used a glass of warm water to free the unidentified boy from the metal fence pole, according to the Idaho Statesman newspaper.Fire Captain Bill Tinsley says the boy's tongue was bleeding a little, but he was OK and allowed to continue walking to school.
read more here
Thursday, December 10, 2009
For some or all?
Max Lucado, God Came Near
"Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts."
Everyone has their place and purpose, everyone can be involved to some degree and measure. It is never a measure of intelligence, social standing, gender, race, occupation or possessions. It is more about having a unified, central focus...
"Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts."
Everyone has their place and purpose, everyone can be involved to some degree and measure. It is never a measure of intelligence, social standing, gender, race, occupation or possessions. It is more about having a unified, central focus...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Santa Names from around the World
Austria - Weihnachtsmann, Nikolaus
Belgium and the Netherlands - Black Pete, Christkind, Noel and Saint Nicholas
Brazil - Papai Noel
China - Che Dun Lao Ren
Denmark - Julemanden
England - Father Christmas
Estonian - Jouluvana
Finland - Joulupukki, Old Man Christmas
France - Pere Noel or le Petit
Germany - Weihnachtsmann, Nikolaus
Holland - Kerstman
Iceland - Jolasveinn
Italy - Babbo Natale
Japan - Santa Kurousu
Lithuania - Kaledu Senu
Mexico - San Nicolás, Santa
Norway - Julenissen
Poland - Star Man or Wise Men
Russia - Grandfather Frost (Ded Moroz), Dedushka Moroz
Serbo-Croation - Bozic Bata. Sveti Nickola
Spain - Three Kings
Sweden - Jultomten
Switzerland - Saint Nicholas, Chriskind
Belgium and the Netherlands - Black Pete, Christkind, Noel and Saint Nicholas
Brazil - Papai Noel
China - Che Dun Lao Ren
Denmark - Julemanden
England - Father Christmas
Estonian - Jouluvana
Finland - Joulupukki, Old Man Christmas
France - Pere Noel or le Petit
Germany - Weihnachtsmann, Nikolaus
Holland - Kerstman
Iceland - Jolasveinn
Italy - Babbo Natale
Japan - Santa Kurousu
Lithuania - Kaledu Senu
Mexico - San Nicolás, Santa
Norway - Julenissen
Poland - Star Man or Wise Men
Russia - Grandfather Frost (Ded Moroz), Dedushka Moroz
Serbo-Croation - Bozic Bata. Sveti Nickola
Spain - Three Kings
Sweden - Jultomten
Switzerland - Saint Nicholas, Chriskind
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